Anxious Attachment: An Honest and Gracious Lens
For a lot of us, love is hard. Like, rolling a stone up an endless slope kind of hard. It seems like some power in the universe just chooses a few of us to give the keys to the relational kingdom. Some people are effortlessly trusting, flirtatious, patient and ready for love — you know the ones. They land in happy marriages and seem in love and content.
Then there are some of us who feel an eerie sense of foreboding whenever we meet someone new… an intense connection, tons of time together, a feeling of euphoria, that this time it will be different. For a few months (typically between 4-6 months), that’s true. Then all the problems start again — all the old triggers with the person we thought would be different this time.
Maybe you begin texting more, trying to be a little cuter, a little funnier, than before. You buy new clothes to look more alluring, ‘surprise’ them at work. You can feel that it’s actually making them more distant. They don’t answer your calls as often. And one day, you notice they’re laughing with a woman from work a little too hard. You feel a heaviness in your chest, a panic that you need to do something to fix it, fast.
Sound familiar? You’re probably going through an intense experience known as anxious attachment. This emotional roller coaster, often invisible and wildly confusing to others, often comes from our earliest years—shaped by our caregivers. As adults, these patterns seem to be that we pick the wrong people to date, when in reality, it’s a script that’s already been written, playing itself out with people who have patterns that perfectly match our own.
Whether you’re single, dating, or in a long-term relationship, this article is an invitation to recognize and understand the deeply ingrained patterns that influence your success in romance. If you’re feeling on the edge of a breakthrough (or breakdown), questioning why your partner seems unmoved by your needs, or ghosted on repeat on Bumble, you will come away empowered to change your situation. As someone who has healed intense anxious attachment, I promise you are capable of doing the same. Let’s jump in.
Identifying Anxious Attachment
Ever found yourself feeling like the only one invested in moving your relationship forward? Wondering why your partner won’t do the damn work on themselves? Maybe you’ve heard of attachment theory before, but you still if it applies to you. Here are some really predictable signs that you run anxious in romance:
Needing a lot of reassurance:
Checking your phone every 5 minutes for a message from them, feeling a mix of relief and anxiety with each buzz.
Asking them repeatedly if they're really happy with you, needing to hear it just one more time to quell your doubts that they’ll up and leave you at any moment.
Over-analyzing their facial expressions and conversation for signs of love or rejection, reading into every detail as if it were a clue to the future.
Hyper-attuned to the other person’s mood:
Noticing the slightest change in their tone of voice and immediately worrying it’s because of something you did or didn’t do.
Watching for any shift in their texting patterns, like taking longer to reply, as evidence that they’re losing interest.
Sensing a shift in mood, availability or sexual desire as a catastrophic sign that they are about to leave you.
Avoiding conflict:
Agreeing to activities you don’t like or decisions you're uncomfortable with, to keep them happy.
Swallowing your own needs and feelings, fearing that expressing them might drive them away.
Backing down during disagreements, even when you feel strongly about the issue, to avoid rocking the boat.
Relationship-centric existence:
Losing interest in your hobbies and passions because they don't involve your lover/partner or because you prioritize spending all your free time with them.
Neglecting friends and family, letting those relationships fade into the background of your relationship.
Planning your future with them in mind, even if it means compromising your own dreams and aspirations.
Emotional turbulence and thought spirals:
A canceled date or postponed plan sends you into a spiral of doubts about their feelings for you.
Reading into their social media activity for signs they're happy without you, interpreting every like, comment, or post as a potential threat.
Imagining scenarios where they leave you for someone else, based on trivial or no evidence, leading to crippling anxiety and fear.
The worst part about having anxious tendencies is the feeling of shame and powerlessness. But acknowledging these patterns within is a crucial step toward healing your nervous system and feeling safe, powerful and confident in romance.
Understanding the Attachment Spectrum
It’s no surprise that our histories and beliefs about love are complex and unique, and the spectrum of attachment styles reflects that diversity. However, within this spectrum, researchers have identified four primary attachment styles: secure, avoidant, fearful-avoidant, and anxious. Each style influences how we perceive the other person in our relationships, especially romantic ones. If you have anxious attachment tendencies, understanding these dynamics is crucial for recognizing the particular ‘script’ that you’re likely to play out with other attachment types, and how each type can trigger your relationship stress.
Secure Attachment: Securely-attached people are the rainbow unicorns of the relationship realm: they are generally consistent, patient and reliable in relationships. They are comfortable with both closeness and independence, balancing the two easily. For someone with anxious attachment, a secure partner can offer reassurance and stability, encouraging trust and reducing fears of abandonment.
However, the advice people typically give to anxious attachers to just ‘find a secure’ misses some of the challenges here as well.
The self-sufficiency and straightforward communication of secure partners might, at times, be misinterpreted as disinterest or detachment.
Many anxiously-attached women I’ve worked with have discarded secure partners because they ‘are too boring’ (aka: they don’t trigger their insecurities).
While ‘secures’ are very patient, they will not self-abandon to make the relationship work over time: if a partner shows mistrust, control or volatility over time, the secure person might choose to move on to someone who can build a stable relationship with them.
Avoidant Attachment: People with an avoidant attachment style deeply value their independence and often keep emotional distance from their partners. They are the most common pairing with an anxiously-attached person. Why? The avoidant person is drawn to the emotional-expressiveness of the anxious one, the anxious one is captivated by the independence and reservedness of someone avoidant. While it’s the most common pairing, it’s intensely triggering for both the anxious and avoidant partner, leading this relational dynamic to be labeled “the anxious-avoidant rollercoaster” by many coaches. The avoidant partner's need for space and reluctance to engage in deep intimacy magnifies the anxious partner’s fears of rejection and abandonment.
Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: People with a fearful-avoidant attachment are caught in a push-pull dynamic, craving closeness but fearing intimacy. They are often the victims of childhood abuse, and have a deep fear that love always comes with punishment. This inconsistency can be confusing and frustrating for someone with an anxious attachment, as the mixed signals from a fearful-avoidant partner reinforces insecurities and anxieties about the relationship's stability.
Anxious Attachment: Not very common. When two people with anxious attachments come together, the relationship can become a vortex of mutual reassurance-seeking. While there's an understanding and empathy for each other's needs, the relationship may struggle with stability, as both partners vie for reassurance and fear abandonment. This pairing can come with arguments that continue to escalate, as neither partner feels comfortable withdrawing and de-escalating.
Pathways to Understanding and Growth
Recognizing the attachment styles at play in each pairing gives us a roadmap for addressing the underlying fears and behaviors that can create a toxic relationship. If you have anxious attachment, this awareness, first of yourself, then of the other, is the first step towards cultivating healthier, more secure relationship dynamics. By understanding the triggers and challenges specific to each attachment style pairing, you can better navigate your lover or partner’s emotional responses and work towards fostering a supportive, loving connection.
However, if there’s any attachment style that hangs in for far too long, it’s the anxious style. I often see that ther’s a ~3-4 month window of one person putting in the work in themselves before the other partner is inspired to follow suit. Assuming there is no abuse in your relationship, if you’ve been focusing on your own healing and your partner isn’t demonstrating their own self-awareness, it might be time to let the relationship go.
Let’s explore what healing and self-improvement look like if you have these anxious tendencies.
How to Heal: It Starts In You
Healing and growth aren’t just about recognizing and understanding the dynamics of anxious attachment—they're about deeply claiming the kind of love and connection you yearn for. Yes, it’s daunting. After all, who isn’t a little scared of actually landing the dream? But here’s the thing: embracing your deepest desires, especially in the realm of relationships, is how you open yourself up to the possibility of something extraordinary.
Let’s take a dive into your desires, fears, and dreams for your romantic life. Dedicate 20 minutes to exploring what your heart truly wants from a relationship.
Cue up some music that moves you, find your most comfortable spot—maybe wrapped in your favorite blanket—and let’s go inward:
What do I deeply desire in a relationship? Let that first answer bubble up, then ask again, going deeper each time until you feel like you’ve struck the heart of your true longing. Notice the emotions this brings up.
Envision your desires through the senses: In this relationship dream of yours, what sights surround you? What are the expressions on your partner’s face? What sounds fill the air? Are there any tastes? What textures do you feel under your fingertips? And what scents linger?
After this sensory journey, grab your go-to journal (this is my favorite) and let your discoveries flow onto the pages. What stood out to you? Any surprises? If you want to go further, here’s some additional prompts:
What stories about love inspire me?
What music speaks to my romantic soul?
If there were no barriers, what would my ideal relationship look like? How would we spend our days and nights?
Are there dreams I’ve held back from pursuing? What fears are in the way?
This is likely going to be a painful practice. The most common response from this exercise is: “I don’t get to have what I want.” When that grief bubbles to the surface, the most critical thing you can do is allow yourself to feel. If you need to sob, let it happen. Let it move. You will feel a sense of expansion and clarity after allowing yourself to feel the things that you’ve been blocking (by compulsively getting reassurance from someone else).
Taking Action: Steps Towards Transformation
Understanding and working through an anxious attachment style is a process that requires patience, self-reflection, and a lot of bravery. Here are some actionable steps to guide you towards healthier, more fulfilling relationships:
Self-Compassion: Remember, this path you’re on is about discovery, not judgment. You are not wrong, bad, weak or dumb (all words I’ve heard) for feeling the way you feel. This was wired long before you had any say in the matter.
Pleasure, Pleasure, Pleasure: If there is one element entirely in your control that will move the needle on healing anxious attachment, it’s pleasure! It is the foundation of my one-on-one coaching with my clients - the more your body is resourced in goodness and safety, the more naturally your mind will follow suit. Stroke your skin, dance, savor your coffee, watch ridiculous cat fails on Youtube: whatever it takes to remember this feeling in your body.
Communication Skills: Learn to express your needs and boundaries in honest ways. For a guide on how to do this with a partner, see my blog post here.
Mindfulness: If you run anxious, meditation can actually make things harder because you’re so used to thought spirals. Meditation practices that focus on the body and are guided are my favorite place to start. Check out yoga nidra meditations on Spotify: they’re the best resource for getting started.
Seek Support: Whether it's therapy, support groups, or reading up on attachment theory (I’ve got some stellar book recommendations below), get the outside perspective and accountability you need to heal. Working with women on healing their anxious attachment and becoming more magnetic, confident and radiant is my speciality: comment READY below to get a free, 30-minute, one-on-one discovery session with me.
Remember, your journey towards healthier relationships and self-improvement is uniquely yours. It's about embracing your desires, acknowledging your fears, and taking those steps, one at a time, towards the love and connection you deserve.
Wrapping It Up
Understanding anxious attachment is not about labeling ourselves or others; it's about gaining insights that empower us to navigate our relationships with compassion and awareness. It invites us to look inward, to understand our needs and fears, and to approach our romantic lives as the creatrix, not the victim.
For the women out there, whether you're in the waters of dating or in the midst of a long-term partnership, know this: Your desires for connection, love, and understanding are valid. Embracing your journey with an open heart and a mindset geared towards growth can transform the way you experience love.
Additional Resources
If you’re eager to dive deeper into understanding attachment theory and building healthier relationships, here are some of my favorite resources:
For Learning About Anxious Attachment
"Wired for Dating" and “Wired for Love” by Dr. Stan Tatkin: A must-read for anyone looking to understand attachment styles and healthy communication in dating or in a long-term relationship.
Becoming the One by Sheleana Aiyana: For a deep-dive on self-healing from anxious attachment.
Not Nice by Dr. Aziz Gazipura: For un-learning people-pleasing and self-abandoning behavior