Avoidant Attachment: An Honest and Gracious Lens
For a lot of us, love is hard. Like, rolling a stone up an endless slope kind of hard. It seems like some power in the universe just chooses a few of us to give the keys to the relational kingdom. Some people are effortlessly trusting, flirtatious, patient and ready for love — you know the ones. They land in happy marriages and seem in love and content.
Then there are some of us who feel an eerie sense of foreboding whenever we meet someone new: an intense connection, tons of time together, a feeling of euphoria, that this time it will be different. For a few months (typically between 4-6 months), that’s true. Then all the problems start again, all the old triggers with the person we thought would be different this time.
Maybe you begin feeling smothered, afraid of losing your identity in your relationship. You begin noticing that all the little things you used to find cute and endearing are overwhelmingly annoying. You start to create some more space and notice all the other men or women who have the things that your date or partner don’t have. And you feel a numbness in your body, an eerie sense of detachment that you don’t know how to fix. Maybe with a different person, you would feel alive and not disappointed.
Sound familiar? Do you often find yourself feeling suffocated when things get too close in relationships? Do you pride yourself on your independence, sometimes at the cost of closeness? If so, you’re probably going through a frustrating experience known as avoidant attachment. This emotional shutdown, often invisible and wildly confusing to others, often comes from our earliest years, shaped by our caregivers. As adults, these patterns seem to be that we pick the wrong people to date, when in reality, it’s a script that’s already been written, playing itself out with people who have patterns that perfectly match our own.
Whether you’re single, dating, or in a long-term relationship, this article is an invitation to recognize and understand the deeply ingrained patterns that influence your success in romance. If you’re feeling on the edge of a breakthrough (or breakdown), questioning why every partner seems so wrong for you, or why you’re more overwhelmed every day by the demands people put on you in dating, you will come away empowered to change your situation. Let’s jump in.
Identifying Avoidant Attachment
Avoidant attachment is a behavior pattern that can develop early in life due to caregivers who were either emotionally unavailable or intrusive and overbearing. If you have this attachment style, you might often find yourself striving for independence to the extent that you avoid close emotional connections, fearing that commitment and intimacy might lead to feeling trapped or disappointed. Here are some really predictable signs that you run avoidant in romance:
You value emotional distance.. after a while: When you first start dating somebody, they aren’t too close to you yet. So being open, excited, vulnerable, is easy for you. But when things progress towards more closeness, you begin to feel smothered by the expectation of being emotionally open.
You prefer to keep personal matters to yourself, even in close relationships.
You find excuses to avoid deep conversations or physical closeness.
Holidays, anniversaries, or cozy date nights might make you feel miserable rather than excited.
You’re uncomfortable with integrating life or being physically close:
You prefer to have your own personal space, like not wanting to share a bed or a room with someone.
You opt out of joint activities or vacations that require close physical proximity for extended periods of time, feeling better when you do your own hobbies or travel alone.
You avoid regular, scheduled routines like daily walks together.
You’re highly self-reliant:
You often refuse help, even when it would make sense to accept it.
You pride yourself on not needing anyone else, sometimes to the point of isolating yourself.
In relationships, you rarely express your own needs, deferring to your partner.
You struggle with commitment:
You avoid making long-term plans with your partner, like moving in together or getting married, feeling trapped by the idea.
You may have a history of short relationships or a pattern of ending relationships when they start to get serious.
You’re afraid of being left:
You may preemptively distance yourself from potential (or real) partners as a defense mechanism to avoid the pain of possible rejection or abandonment.
You often suspect that relationships won’t last, leading you to hold back emotional investment as a form of self-protection.
You might react to minor conflicts by withdrawing completely, interpreting these as signs that abandonment is imminent.
The worst part about having avoidant tendencies is the feeling of numbness and loneliness. But acknowledging these patterns within is a crucial step toward healing your nervous system and feeling safe, powerful and trusting in romance.
Understanding the Attachment Spectrum
It’s no surprise that our histories and beliefs about love are complex and unique, and the spectrum of attachment styles reflects that diversity. However, within this spectrum, researchers have identified four primary attachment styles: secure, avoidant, fearful-avoidant, and anxious. Each style influences how we perceive the other person in our relationships, especially romantic ones. If you have avoidant attachment tendencies, understanding these dynamics is crucial for recognizing the particular script that you’re likely to play out with other attachment types, and how each type can trigger your relationship stress.
Secure Attachment: Securely-attached people are the rainbow unicorns of the relationship realm: they are generally consistent, patient and reliable in relationships. They are comfortable with both closeness and independence, balancing the two easily. For someone with avoidant attachment, a secure partner can offer reassurance and stability, encouraging trust and reducing fears of engulfment or abandonment.
However, the advice people typically give to avoidant attachers to just “find a secure” misses some of the challenges here as well.A secure partner might offer the stable and predictable relationship you need. However, their ease with emotional intimacy could also trigger your fears of closeness, prompting you to retreat.
Many avoidantly-attached men and women I’ve worked with have discarded secure partners because they are “too boring” (aka: they don’t trigger their insecurities).
While secures are very patient, they will not self-abandon to make the relationship work over time: if a partner shows mistrust or emotional unavailability over time, the secure person might choose to move on to someone who can build a stable relationship with them.
Anxious Attachment: People with an anxious attachment style deeply value emotional closeness and togetherness with their partners. They are the most common pairing with an avoidantly-attached person. Why? The avoidant person is drawn to the emotional-expressiveness of the anxious one, the anxious one is captivated by the independence and reservedness of someone avoidant. While it’s the most common pairing, it’s intensely triggering for both the anxious and avoidant partner, leading this relational dynamic to be labeled “the anxious-avoidant rollercoaster” by many coaches. If you’re avoidant, your need for space and reluctance to engage in deep intimacy magnifies the anxious partner’s fears of rejection and abandonment.
Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: People with a fearful-avoidant attachment are caught in a push-pull dynamic, craving closeness but fearing intimacy. They are often the victims of childhood abuse, and have a deep fear that love always comes with punishment. This inconsistency can be confusing and frustrating for someone with avoidant attachment, as the mixed signals from a fearful-avoidant partner reinforces insecurities about the relationship's stability. You might want to withdraw further when your partner craves closeness and feel more open when your partner is distant.
Avoidant Attachment: Not very common. When two people with avoidant attachments come together, the both people often operate like ‘ships passing in the night.’ While there's an understanding and empathy for each other's needs for space and independence, the relationship may struggle with moving forward, as neither partner is driving forward more closeness and intimacy.
Pathways to Understanding and Growth
Recognizing the attachment styles at play in each pairing gives us a roadmap for addressing the underlying fears and behaviors that can create a toxic relationship. If you have avoidant attachment, this awareness, first of yourself, then of the other, is the first step towards cultivating healthier, more secure relationship dynamics. By understanding the triggers and challenges specific to each attachment style pairing, you can better navigate your lover or partner’s emotional responses and work towards fostering a supportive, loving connection.
However, if there’s any attachment style that bows out too quickly, it’s the avoidant style. I often see that there’s a ~3-4 month window of one person putting in the work in themselves before the other partner is inspired to follow suit. Assuming there is no abuse in your relationship, if you’ve been focusing on your own healing and your partner isn’t demonstrating their own self-awareness, it might be time to let the relationship go.
Let’s explore what healing and self-improvement look like if you have these avoidant tendencies.
How to Heal: It Starts In You
Healing and growth aren’t just about recognizing and understanding the dynamics of avoidant attachment, they're also about deeply claiming the kind of love and connection you yearn for. Yes, it’s daunting. After all, who isn’t a little scared of actually landing the dream? But here’s the thing: embracing your deepest desires, especially in the realm of relationships, is how you open yourself up to the possibility of something extraordinary.
Let’s take a dive into your desires, fears, and dreams for your romantic life. Dedicate 20 minutes to exploring what your heart truly wants from a relationship. It might be terrifying to contemplate.
Cue up some music that moves you, find your most comfortable spot, maybe wrapped in your favorite blanket. Let’s go inward:
What do I deeply desire in a relationship? Let that first answer bubble up, then ask again, going deeper each time until you feel like you’ve struck the heart of your true longing. Notice the emotions this brings up.
Envision your desires through the senses: In this relationship dream of yours, what sights surround you? What are the expressions on your partner’s face? What sounds fill the air? Are there any tastes? What textures do you feel under your fingertips? And what scents linger?
After this sensory journey, grab your go-to journal (this is my favorite) and let your discoveries flow onto the pages. What stood out to you? Any surprises? If you want to go further, here’s some additional prompts:
What stories about love inspire me?
What music speaks to my romantic soul?
If there were no barriers, what would my ideal relationship look like? How would we spend our days and nights?
Are there dreams I’ve held back from pursuing? What fears are in the way?
This is likely going to be a painful practice. The most common response from this exercise is: “I don’t get to have what I want.” If you have avoidant tendencies, you quite likely will think, “This is a weak or ridiculous thing to want. It’s not important.” When that grief bubbles to the surface, the most critical thing you can do is allow yourself to feel. If you need to sob, let it happen. Let it move. You will feel a sense of expansion and clarity after allowing yourself to feel the things that you’ve been blocking (by compulsively getting reassurance from someone else).
Taking Action: Steps Towards Transformation
Understanding and working through an avoidant attachment style is a process that requires patience, self-reflection, and a lot of bravery. Here are some actionable steps to guide you towards healthier, more fulfilling relationships:
Self-Compassion: Remember, this path you’re on is about discovery, not judgment. You are not wrong, bad, weak or dumb (all words I’ve heard) for feeling the way you feel. This was wired long before you had any say in the matter.
Understand Your Triggers: Recognizing situations or emotions that prompt you to pull away can help you anticipate and manage your reactions better. Dip your toe into more togetherness, but do it slowly. It’s common for someone with avoidant tendencies to push themselves to do too much, too fast.
Communicate: Learn to express your needs and boundaries in honest and self-responsible ways. For a guide on how to do this with a partner, see my blog post here.
Mindfulness: If you run avoidant, meditation practices that focus on the body and are also guided are my favorite place to start - waking up to your physical sensations and how they’re linked to your triggers will help in building awareness before your partner or date triggers you. Check out yoga nidra meditations on Spotify: they’re the best resource for getting started.
Seek Support: Whether it's therapy, support groups, or reading up on attachment theory (I’ve got some stellar book recommendations below), get the outside perspective and accountability you need to heal. Working with women on healing their avoidant attachment and becoming more magnetic, confident and radiant in their relationships is my speciality: comment READY below to get a free, 30-minute, one-on-one discovery session with me.
Remember, your journey towards healthier relationships and self-improvement is uniquely yours. It's about embracing your desires, acknowledging your fears, and taking those steps, one at a time, towards the love and connection you deserve.
Wrapping It Up
Understanding avoidant attachment is not about labeling ourselves or others; it's about gaining insights that empower us to navigate our relationships with compassion and awareness. It invites us to look inward, to understand our needs and fears, and to approach our romantic lives as the creatrix, not the victim.
For the women out there, whether you're in the waters of dating or in the midst of a long-term partnership, know this: Your desires for independence and autonomy are valid. Learning to balance these desires with interdependence and intimacy is possible, if you approach with a mindset geared towards growth.
Additional Resources
If you’re eager to dive deeper into understanding attachment theory and building healthier relationships, here are some of my favorite resources:
For Learning About Avoidant Attachment
Wired for Dating and Wired for Love by Dr. Stan Tatkin: A must-read for anyone looking to understand attachment styles and healthy communication in dating or in a long-term relationship.
The Loving Avoidant by Anonymous: What started as an anonymous Instagram account from an avoidant-attacher, this account has grown to a robust Patreon with a book being released soon. It is wealth of resource from someone who deals with avoidant tendencies, for other “avoidants.”
Not Nice by Dr. Aziz Gazipura: For un-learning people-pleasing and self-abandoning behavior