Ten 20-Minute Things You Can Do to Become More Secure in Your Relationship
It’s a universally acknowledged truth that becoming secure in a relationship, especially if your relationship has been up-and-down for a while, takes years of self-work and therapy and pain before you start seeing any real results.
Gotcha! That's absolutely not true.
While therapy is so important for uncovering the root causes of our patterns, I can speak from experience: if you focus on the right techniques and mindset, you can start feeling and acting more secure in just a few minutes a day, no matter what your relationship with your partner has been like lately.
In this post, I’m going to show you ten 20-minute things you can do to become more secure in your relationship right away.
By the end, you will feel more confident, powerful and in your feminine. And you’ll notice your partner leaning in and pursuing you more. I know it sounds impossible, but it’s so doable.
You may even find yourself needing a little personal space because your partner wants to be right where you are!
Grab yourself 20 of your very important minutes and your favorite beverage (I believe all practices are enhanced by food and drink), and let's get into how you can become more secure in your relationship before the season is out.
#1. Play Your Way to Security
When I first started intentionally finding ways to have fun in any situation, my goal was to shift my mood and energy, no matter what was happening around me.
I had no idea how much it would change my sense of security and power in love.
When I was dealing with the aftermath of a hard marriage, I felt panicked almost all the time. Making dinner? Anxiety. On a walk with my kids? Anxiety. I couldn’t imagine what it would feel like to not have this pressure in my chest every waking moment.
When I discovered the power of pleasure and finding safety in my body, I made a commitment to take back control of the little moments of my day.
At first, I started by asking myself when I felt the panic start, “How can I have fun right now?” I’d blast great music while cooking dinner or swing with my kids at the park. Then I began to look for ways to turn everyday tasks into genuine opportunities for play, like doing the running man while listening in on a work call or making up songs while stuck in traffic.
The plan is simple: Figure out a top area of your life where you’re carrying a lot of stress, anger or anxiety. Come up with three different ways that you can ‘play’ in this area. Then plan 20 minutes out of your day to consciously inject playfulness into whatever you are doing.
What you can expect:
The result will be a rapid and noticeable shift in your mood and energy – you will feel more positive and in-control of your mood. You’ll start to see how your playful energy can leave you feeling empowered in any situation and influence the mood of those around you, including your partner.
I’ve seen clients transform their relationships just by incorporating this practice. One client, L, turned a time of day where she would normally feel anxious into a time for self-pleasure. Not only did her mood improve, but she also noticed her partner becoming more affectionate and attentive as she brought a more ‘pleasured’ and empowered energy into their dynamic.
#2. Make Time to Dream Up Your Ideal Relationship
When you've been struggling to feel happy and secure in your relationship, something as simple as giving yourself permission to dream big about your ideal relationship can feel like wasted time.
But if you skip this step and don’t hold the vision for where you want your relationship to go, it’ll be so very hard to make any changes.
Visualizing your ideal relationship gives you a roadmap and a blueprint for a passionate relationship. Research from CU Boulder highlights the power of positive visualization, showing that imagination can significantly impact our brains and bodies. By envisioning the best possible scenario, we can alter our neural pathways, reduce anxiety, and reinforce positive behaviors in ourselves. This means that imagining your ideal relationship can actively help create the circumstances for it to become a reality.
Here’s where it gets tricky: if you’ve been in a rut, or getting more and more resentful over time, the moment you start imagining your dream relationship, it’ll hurt like hell. You’ll want to avoid doing this because it brings up all of the negative emotions you’ve been avoiding feeling. It’s important that when these feelings come up, you allow the emotions to happen. Cry, thrash or – my personal favorite – go to a boxing gym and take out your pent up frustration on the bag.
You can’t fully hold the vision for what you want until you clear the grief of what has happened up until this point.
What you can expect:
Once you carve out the time to dream about your ideal relationship, you’ll have a clear vision for what you want to create with your partner. This clarity can help you to do two critical things:
1. Communicate your needs and desires honestly, because you have a lot more clarity around what’s not working.
2. Take radical self-responsibility for creating what you want, today. What is something you visioned that you have the power to create for yourself?
Craving more adventure? Ask your partner to throw some crazy date ideas into a spinner wheel online, give it a spin, then make it happen. If you don’t have that kind of time, or if things feel to brittle in your relationship for that kind of spontaneity, do it yourself! Without your partner. A huge step in becoming more secure is making positive things happen for yourself, by yourself.
For example, in my relationship, while my partner and I love a lot of time together, in my ideal relationship vision, I’m really expressive. I spend a lot of time dancing. He loves working out. So every day, I hit yoga or dance, and he hits Crossfit. Anything I vision, I either bring to him without demand and dream it up together, or I make it happen myself. Always.
Sound stressful? Confronting? If you want more info on becoming confident and asserting yourself, Have a look at The 3-Day Confidence Challenge, where I teach you 9 potent feminine-energy practices to instantly increase your feminine power and feel more confident with men.
#3. Keep on focusing on self-development… in moderation
One of the best things you can do to feel more secure in your relationship is to continue your focus on self-development, rein it in a little. Or a lot.
Let’s face it, sometimes the things that have the most impact on our emotional health are the ones we tend to overdo. It’s so easy to get caught up in the cycle of constantly trying to "fix" ourselves, which isn’t only taking away time from things that actually increase our confidence (hobbies, friends, family, career) but it can actually be counterproductive. Ruminating (repetitive thinking on distressing things) is one of the single biggest ways that anxious women increase their anxiety.
If you are over-fixated on self-development, it’s probably from a place of fear, rather than curiosity and inspiration.
If you’re spending excessive amounts of time on self-improvement, you’re not alone. This is something many anxious attachers struggle with.
I struggled with it, too. When I first started healing anxious attachment, I was consumed by the need to fix everything that made me feel insecure. I spent countless hours reading psychology and relationship books, and ultimately taking the 650 hour sexuality, love and coaching certification – not only to scratch my own itch, but to help other women heal too. While this was incredibly valuable for me to heal and attract my dream partnership, I would have made progress faster by focusing my attention on all of the other areas of my life that would support me.
The good news is, self-development is a perfect candidate for the 20-minute rule.
Instead of compulsively spending hours each day on self-improvement, limit it to 20 minutes at a time. You can use a timer to help you keep track, or – my favorite tool – use the Motion App to schedule it into your day. Then take a break, enjoy a hobby, or spend time with binging Netflix.
What you can expect:
Working in bite-sized time chunks helps you stay balanced and prevents burnout. This approach keeps self-development manageable and sustainable, allowing you to grow without becoming obsessed with fixing yourself.
For example, I found that by dedicating just 20 minutes each day to self-improvement, I was able to feel more secure in myself and free up so much time to create a healthier balance in my life.
Related Post: 3 New Pleasure Practices I’ve Been Trying (and One I’m Giving Up)
#4. Try a different approach to conflict
If you've been firmly on the side of feeling insecure and angry when your partner brings up something he doesn’t like that you’re doing, you may want to consider getting really brave and asking yourself a hard but critical question:
“If I try on their point of view and made some changes here, would I respect myself more and be more confident in myself?”
If the answer is yes, your partner may be noticing areas where you are self-abandoning by clinging to being the victim.
Here’s how to keep this one to 20 minutes so you can test it out and see if it’s a good fit for you:
Step #1: Find a quiet space where you won’t be interrupted and sit down with a journal. Reflect on what your partner has said that you’ve found so hurtful. For example, maybe your partner has told you that he’s scared to tell you things because he’s afraid you’ll think the worst.
Step #2: Write down your initial feelings, reactions and beliefs about yourself and your partner. Allow the emotions to come up, and feel them.
Step #3: Now, imagine your partner was, say, a coach or a therapist. Consider what they’re saying as objectively as you can. Ask yourself, “If I imagined a version of me that thinks the best of my partner and isn’t so afraid or controlling, would I respect myself more? Would I feel more confident?
Step #4: If the answer is yes, go talk to a couple of friends who will tell you the truth rather than flatter you. I can’t emphasize this enough. If they agree, then you’re on to something in your self-development. Own it with your partner, then start implementing changes. If the answer is no, you have a great opportunity to step into your boundaries and agree to disagree with your partner.
What you can expect:
Reflecting on your conflicts in this way helps you to gain clarity and removes the fear that can come up when our partner shares something that scares or hurts us. It empowers you to make changes that will enhance your self-respect and overall fulfillment.
For example, one of my clients used this technique after a man she was dating mentioned he felt she was too quick to assume the worst of him. She reflected on this, and she realized that her criticism was rooted in her own insecurities after having a previous relationship where her partner wasn’t honest with her. There was no evidence that this had happened with her current date. She worked on feeling the emotions of that past hurt and, in turn, found it easier to trust him.
Want to dig in more? Have a look at Annie Lalla’s video on the power of a partner mirroring your own opportunities for growth here.
#5. Take the Time to Say No
We don’t all have the time for lengthy coaching sessions or deep-dive workshops on relationships. Or, sometimes we don’t have a partner who is interested in participating.
And that’s perfectly okay, because there are simpler options available that don’t require extensive time commitments, a lot of money, or complicated planning.
You can absolutely still achieve a deep feeling of confidence and security in your relationship by practicing saying no, in big ways and in small ways. And the kicker is, you can do this one in less than 20 minutes.
There are many possible situations where saying ‘no’ to your partner will actually increase both of your happiness in the relationship. Here’s the formula I love to use with clients:
Note: Start small, always. If you throw yourself into the deep end (No, I don’t want to visit your parents for Christmas this year), you’ll scare yourself before you begin.
Step #1: Identify an area where you have been feeling resentful toward your partner. Start with something small and tangible, like: the fact that you do the dishes and he doesn’t.
Step #2: Ask yourself, “Can I do this, for the rest of my life, with no resentment?” If you’re already resentful, the answer is going to be no, but asking the question can bring to light the fact that you’re committing to keep on doing something that is poisoning the passion in your relationship.
Step #3: Follow my conflict template to communicate your boundary:
“I noticed [feeling] about [topic]. I realized [take accountability for how you allowed this outcome to happen], so I wanted to workshop it together. I’m not going to be doing [thing you’re saying no to], and I also know [thing you both care about - establish common ground]. How can we make this happen?
Step #4: The best way to increase the security in your relationship is to assume the best intent in your partner and assume the best intent in yourself. My template helps you to accomplish both. Some examples:
I noticed that I’m feeling resentful about doing the dishes. I realize we haven’t talked about this chore before, so I wanted to workshop it together. I’m not going to be doing the dishes every night anymore, and I also know we both care about having a clean kitchen. How can we make this happen?
I noticed that I’m feeling angry about how few date nights we’ve had lately. I realize that I’ve been keeping this to myself, rather than sharing it with you, and that’s not fair. Can we workshop this together? Here’s what I’m thinking: I’m not going to work late on Wednesdays anymore, and I know we both care about quality time together. What if we make Wednesdays a consistent date night?
Over time, with practice, you will get better at identifying what doesn’t work for you, what you’re saying no to, and what you desire instead. You’ll learn – most men love to win with you, and they love a woman who steps into her power, where her ‘yes’ is valuable, and her ‘no’ is something she’ll stand behind.
And of course, my guide Healing Anxious Attachment through Pleasure can teach you how to say no in a way that is magnetic and pleasurable, in a way that will draw in your man instead of pushing him away.
What you can expect:
By learning to say no, you’ll experience more self-respect and more love in your partnership! Clients who I’ve coached in boundaries report feeling more empowered, less stressed, and more fulfilled in their relationships and daily lives.
#6. Implement daily cold immersion
The hardest part of learning to become secure in your relationship is the constant battle to feel less anxious. Sometimes when we try to settle our nervous system, we inevitably get stuck in our own heads.
This means an excellent way to use today's allocated 20 minutes is to practice cold therapy. I know, I know – you’re already running for the hills – but this is a game-changer. While I knew about the benefits of cold therapy for immersion for immunity via the one-and-only Wim Hof, my therapist was the first to introduce me to its benefits for anxiety.
You’re given a method to immediately take your mind out of its ruminating and into the present moment. My favorite way to do this is facial immersion, because it not only gives me immediate invigoration, but it also leaves me feeling grounded, and with a glass complexion ;)
A few other favorite ways to do this include:
Cold Showers: Start or end with 30 seconds to invigorate your whole body.
Full-Body Immersion: Submerge your body in cold water, like a local creek or a tub of cold water.
Holding Ice: Hold an ice cube in each hand until completely melted.
Here’s how it works in a nutshell:
Step 1: Choose your method.
Step 2: Set a timer for 30 seconds to start, then work your way up to 3-5 minutes.
Step 3: Focus on your breathing and sensations during the exposure.
What you can expect:
The first thing I noticed after using cold immersion is a big increase in energy and a greater sense of calm.
You may not get the hang of it right away (hell, you might hate every moment) but the more you use it, the more effective you’ll become at increasing your time.
How does this help you feel more secure in your relationship? Well, what are magnetic qualities? Energy, calm, optimism. You are creating that in your own nervous system, whether or not your partner is helping. There is no losing here.
#7. Remember to tend to your pleasure
It may seem counterintuitive, but building in regular time for pleasure means faster results because a well-pleasured woman is a happy woman. The happier you are, the more secure you will feel.
First inspired by the great Mama Gena, I’ve experienced incredible results not only in my love life, but also in my career, my mothering, and my friendships – just by taking a minimum of 20 minutes each day to prioritize my own pleasure.
With all the responsibilities in your life, you may be tempted to skip this, but please don’t! Tending to your pleasure is probably the top thing I’d recommend for a woman looking to heal anxious attachment and feel more secure and powerful in her relationship.
Here are other 20-minute ways you can tend to your pleasure.
Pleasurable movement: whether it’s dancing, climbing, yoga, stretching, volleyball, running or something else, prioritize movement that you deeply enjoy. For example, I hate running, so I don’t do it. I love dancing, yoga and martial arts, so it’s easy to prioritize.
Pleasurable indulgence: Go to the grocery store, and grab your favorite drink. Then grab your favorite dessert, and your favorite snack. Then, go home and snuggle under your favorite blanket and watch your favorite TV show with no distraction. Or do it all in the bath.
Intellectual Pleasure: One of my favorite things to do is set aside space in my budget every month for self-education. I’m insatiable in my desire to learn. Buy a book, or an online course, and give your intellect some pleasurable stimulation. Any topic you want that piques your interest.
What you can expect:
There are so many reasons why pleasure should be part of your regular routine.
Starting with the immediate sense of worthiness you feel that you allowed yourself to feel good without guilt.
For your relationship? Most men love for their women to feel good and love to support it happening. The better you feel, the better your partner will feel. Women lead the way in this: I’ve seen it time and time again. You’re not selfish: you’re setting the example that life isn’t meant to be suffered, but enjoyed.
#8. Don't force ‘doing the work’ on your partner
It can be tempting to push your partner to do all the relationship work with you – sending them all the articles on attachment, ways that men need to open up to their women, etc. I can guarantee you this will be counterproductive.
Think of it this way: let’s imagine you know deep down that you could be taking better care of your body. Every time you think of eating clean and exercising, you feel this immediate overwhelm and exhaustion, and you say you’ll do it another day. Then, your partner decides that you need a push from them to take it seriously, so they start sending you fitness Instagram influencers, recipes for healthy meals, examples of women who look fitter than you look… you see where this is going?
I’m not saying that when you discover something about your dynamic that you can’t bring it up with your partner. But if you’ve shared what you’ve found, invited them to join you in something, and they haven’t made the move – you focus on your own side of the fence and don’t push.
The single greatest motivator for a man is inspiration not nagging.
Instead, you can focus on your own growth and lead by example. Total ownership. I remember reading an article from a love coach once that said, “Every couple has a bit of a waiting period. One partner decides to change, then there’s this 4-6 month lag before the other partner decides to jump on board.” If you are giving it your all to ‘clean up your side of the fence’ and your partner shows no sign of being willing to do the same, then you can begin exploring whether or not to leave your relationship.
And the best part is, you can feel more secure in only 20 minutes a day rather than investing that same time fretting about all the ways your partner is letting you down, or going down the Reddit rabbithole to see if someone else magically has the answers to heal your relationship.
What you can expect:
This will give you a deep feeling of power, because all change is coming from you – the only person you’ll ever control.
#9. Plan out the practices in this post
If you’re like me, you tend to dive in head-first without a lot of thought or preparation.
For example, when I was intensively training MMA, I loved sparring. Even though I didn’t have a lot of experience boxing, I decided ‘Let’s jump in! It’s only sparring, I’ll be fine.” Well, my profound lack of training in boxing quickly showed itself when I got his in the chest, hard. Besides knocking all the breath out of me, I couldn’t train for 6 weeks as it healed, and I have a lump of hard scar tissue that will never go away.
Talk about learning the hard way.
Planning your ‘20 Minute Things’ ahead only takes a few minutes each week, and it will ensure that rather than diving in headlong and burning yourself out (or getting so irritated at your lack of progress that you lash out at your partner), you’ll pace yourself and truly immerse yourself in these practices.
As a special treat for you, here’s an example month-long calendar to get you started:
The best part about planning like this is that you end up breaking up your progress into small, manageable chunks while also seeing progress very quickly.
Want to know more about other practices you can use? Have a look at this post: What Is Magnetism? A Guide to Attracting What You Desire.
What you can expect:
As I said, the more you take your happiness into your own hands, the greater your sense of security and control.
#10. Finally, Snag My Signature e-Book!
If you’ve been following me for a while, you know I’m passionate about empowering women to feel secure and magnetic in their relationships. I’m thrilled to announce that my new ebook, Healing Anxious Attachment through Pleasure, is now available!
If you want to save time and maximize your results, this guide will be your go-to resource. It includes a comprehensive step-by-step program designed to help you heal anxious attachment and feel more secure and magnetic in love.
What’s Inside:
A comprehensive 94-page guide to overcome anxious attachment.
Practical exercises to help you embody confidence and magnetism.
Real-life examples and success stories to inspire your journey.
Week 1: The Sovereign of Self – Discover how to reclaim your identity and self-worth.
Week 2: The Sovereign of Aliveness – Embrace your full emotional range.
Week 3: The Sovereign of Empowerment – Set boundaries and own your power.
Week 4: The Sovereign of Pleasure – Tap into pleasure as a source of healing.
Week 5: The Sovereign of Darkness – Learn to navigate and embrace shadow emotions.
Week 6: The Sovereign of Relationship – Build a secure, passionate relationship.
What you can expect:
By following this guide, you’ll transform your relationship with yourself and with men. You’ll feel more empowered, less anxious, and deeply at-ease in romance… maybe for the first time ever.
Just hear what my client, Lindsay, had to say:
“Rebekah's process is unique, unlike any coaching or therapy I've ever done. She has an uncanny ability to put you in touch with your most authentic self, guide you to the root cause of an issue... If I could only work with one coach or therapist, or only recommend one, Rebekah is it! I've already recommended her to all my friends.”
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DOWNLOAD MY GUIDE
That’s a Wrap! 20 Minutes to Secure Relationship Success
It’s amazing what you can accomplish in 20 minutes when you’re focused and diligent.
As Tony Robbins said, “It’s not what we do once in a while that shapes our lives, but what we do consistently.”
The best way to heal your relationship and feel more secure is to be consistent and tend to your own sense of happiness, power, and pleasure regularly. I hope this guide has been helpful for you.
Oh, and let me know in the comments which of these ideas you’re going to try first!
And don’t forget to come say hi on Instagram!
