Should I Stay or Should I Go? What to Do When You Feel Stuck in Your Relationship
“My partner isn’t willing to dig in and do the work like I am. Should I stay or go?” This is a common issue women deal with in their relationships, especially women who love personal development. If you care a lot about doing your own work, and healing your own history, then why the hell won’t your partner get on board and do the same? Feeling stuck in a relationship where you feel like you’re the only one putting in the effort can be incredibly challenging. The question of whether to stay or go can weigh heavily on your mind. In this post, I’ll delve into how to decide which needs aren’t being met, guide you through a clarity process to help you decide whether to keep putting in the work or leave, and three key principles to help you make the best decision for your romantic life.
Should I Stay or Should I Go?
What does ‘doing the work’ actually mean? Sometimes it means going to therapy, sometimes it means showing patience and compassion while your partner is going through life stress, and sometimes it means being willing to sit down and talk through deeper issues. Fundamentally, when we say “I want my partner to do their work,” what I believe we’re actually saying is, “I want my partner to change their viewpoint so my needs will be met.” Let me explain:
We all choose to be in partnership for our own reasons: safety, growth, passion, exploration, having a family, growing spiritually, etc. Some people are in monogamous relationships, some are poly, some prefer to be single and connect with lovers. However, at the core of all of our differing reasons for being in a relationship, we all pull from the same list of needs. While many frameworks exist to help define a ‘need’ vs a ‘want’ in a relationship, I love the following list from Tony Robbins (bizarrely the only piece of content I’ve read from him).
The list of ten core needs is as follows:
1. Certainty
2. Uncertainty
3. Significance
4. Connection & Love
5. Growth
6. Contribution
7. Intimacy
8. Humor
9. Validation & Support
10. Forgiveness
We all need each one of these things in any relationship to feel alive, vibrant and secure. But each person will need a few of these in a far greater proportion than the others. Depending on your relationship history, childhood, personality and unique quirks, your nightmare might well be the relationship of someone else’s dreams.
A Tale of Two Women
Let’s take Phoebe and Camille as two examples:
Phoebe deals with some pretty intense relationship anxiety. She was the oldest of four children, and her mother was never pleased with her. Phoebe knew this because her mother constantly made sarcastic comments about her appearance, her grades, her choice of boyfriends -- it felt that no matter what she did, Phoebe couldn’t win with her mom. She went to college, where she met her boyfriend of three years. He liked Phoebe just fine, but it was obvious to everyone that Phoebe was obsessed with him. Despite him cheating multiple times, she stayed with him for three years, until he ultimately left her for another woman. Phoebe has been serial-dating ever since, hoping to find her soulmate, but without much luck. Each time something promising begins to happen with a man, things fizzle out. Even the break-up text is the same thing on repeat: “I don’t think I can give you what you need.”
Camille is a lone wolf, a free spirit. She was the proverbial black sheep of her Catholic family, always feeling drawn to exploration and pushing back against her parents’ strict rules. The relationship with her father became more and more toxic as she progressed through high school and college, where he would try to control her behavior with any means necessary: cutting off money, sending her for a two-year stint at boarding school — and when she returned? She wasn’t allowed to get her drivers’ license. When she left home for good at twenty-two, she never looked back. She travels the world, stays in hostels, and works remotely for a tech company so she can commit as much of her time to her nomadic lifestyle as possible. While she tries out dating from time to time, she feels suffocated by the amount of time she feels she has to spend with her boyfriend, so she tends to end things quickly.
Phoebe and Camille each have their own work to do, but they both also share the same relationship needs. Each wants love and belonging, but the way they experience that looks very different from each other. Phoebe is pining for certainty and intimacy, while Camille wishes someone cared as much about uncertainty (exploration/freedom) and growth as she does.
Why ‘Doing the Work’ Might Not Be the Problem
Why does this matter? Let’s look back at our formula:
“I want my partner to do their work = I want my partner to change their viewpoint and priorities so my needs will be met.”
Your partner working late hours on repeat could be a sign that he doesn’t love you and isn’t interested in your relationship. Or, it could mean that you have a high need for certainty and connection, and your partner has a high need for growth and significance.
Your partner cracking jokes during hard moments (even though it drives you absolutely insane), could be a sign that he’s too shallow to ‘do the work.’ Or, it could mean that you have a high need for connection and validation, and he has a high need for humor and tries to support through making you laugh.
I want to be clear here: abuse, neglect or cruel behavior is never acceptable in a relationship. I believe that partnership is supposed to be the gateway to our highest selves, but often when we’re unhappy and exasperated in our relationships, especially if things were once really good, it’s often a sign that you’re each looking past each others’ needs.
Unmet vs Perceived Unmet Needs
If there is any love left in your relationship, it’s very likely that your partner is trying to meet your needs but failing spectacularly. Because your partner is trying to meet your needs as if they were their own.
One of three things is happening:
1. Your needs aren’t being met, and they won’t be met.
2. Your needs aren’t being met, but you can teach your partner how to meet them.
2. Your needs are being met, but you perceive that they aren’t being met.
Let’s walk through each one in turn.
Using certainty as an example need here:
1. Your needs aren’t being met, and they won’t be met.
Example: Your partner regularly cancels plans together at the last minute, talks about how he wishes he was in a different relationship, and often doesn’t come home until the wee hours of the morning. You’ve told him this makes you feel insecure and frightened, but his behavior hasn’t changed.
2. Your needs aren’t being met, but you can teach your partner how to meet them.
Example: You and your partner have two children. His work is taking up more and more of his time, so he cancels family plans more than half the time. He took this job because you both agreed that you wanted to move into a better neighborhood with the kids, but it’s beginning to take a toll on the relationship. You seethe and pull away from him, he pulls away and spends more time at work. It’s likely that since the relationship has been good in the past, talking about your need for certainty can prevent him from cancelling plans.
3. Your needs are being met, but you perceive that they aren’t being met.
Example: You have been with your partner for a year. They are consistent, kind and stable. You love being together. But you’re feeling angsty and fearful, because they haven’t proposed yet. Their behavior toward you and desire for you is consistent, but you fear that if you’re not married, they might choose to leave you.
A Clarity Process to Support You
If you’re at the point of considering leaving your relationship, you can get clarity by being deeply honest with yourself about whether or not your needs (and your partner’s needs) are able to be met in this relationship.
This clarity and truth process can help to get you started. Set aside at least 30 minutes, preferably an hour, for this practice:
Step 1. 5-10 minutes: Declutter your space: Choose a space you feel safe and comforted in to complete the practice. Set a clean slate for your practice: clean up clutter, make the bed, put away any distractions, like your smartphone or paperwork.
Step 2. 5-10 minutes: Center your space: Light candles, spray linen spray, set out dark chocolate or wine -- do what you need to do to create a space that feels inspiring and pleasurable.
Step 3. 5 minutes: Declutter your mind: Open up a journal or the notes app in your phone/laptop. Set a timer for 5 minutes and write everything that comes to your mind. Literally everything. We carry a lot of stories in our mind (often conflicting) about what’s happening in our lives, and purging our thoughts creates clarity.
Step 4. 5 minutes: Center your mind: Choose an intention for this meditation. I recommend “I have clarity, compassion and truth in my partnership” but workshop whichever intention feels best to you. Then find a 5 minute meditation on Spotify to sit with (I swear by yoga Nidra: see my favorite channel here).
Step 5. 10-20 minutes: Gaining Clarity: Use the following journaling prompts to gain clarity on your relationship. I’ve included examples of each step.
Is there abuse in your relationship? If so, there’s no reason to do this practice. If you are unsafe in your home, call 800-799-7233 for the National Domestic Violence Hotline, get support from friends, and begin to plan an exit strategy. If your relationship is unhappy in any other way that isn’t abuse, continue to Step 2.
What are the facts? If you were writing a nonfiction story about this from an outside perspective, what would you write?
When James came home from work, he went to the kitchen, grabbed some food, then began watching Netflix. I told James I wanted to talk after not being together today. James said he wanted to talk later. At 10PM, James went to bed without talking to me. This happens multiple times a week. On the weekends, I go out with friends and James works at the office.
How long has this been going on? Try to pinpoint an exact month:
About three months now
What was happening in my life and in my partner’s life when this started?
My workload increased at my company. James had a small health scare and almost lost his job. We visited family for Christmas, and we got into an argument about whether or not to have kids.
What am I making the facts in my partnership mean?
James isn’t interested in connecting with me. He is selfish and only wants to check out of this relationship. I’m alone, unloved and will never be supported in the way I long for.
When my partner acts this way, how does it feel in my body?
My chest tightens. I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest. I feel tension in my neck.
What beliefs do I have about myself and about my partner because of what’s happening?
Men aren’t trustworthy. I’m always alone. I’m undesirable. He doesn’t love me anymore.
Looking at the following needs, on a scale of 1-10, 1 meaning completely threatened and 10 meaning completely protected, how does each of the following needs rank in this relationship right now?
Certainty: 3
Uncertainty: 8
Significance: 5
Connection & Love: 5
Growth: 8
Contribution: 8
Intimacy: 3
Humor: 7
Validation & Support: 4
Forgiveness: 7
If I knew, with complete certainty, that my needs could be met with 3-6 months of work, would I want to stay in this partnership?
Yes, but I’m angry about it. I hate that it’s come to this point. I’m willing to do the work for a period of time though.
Making the Decision
Now that you’ve gone through the process, you will hopefully have clarity about which needs are feeling threatened in your relationship, and whether or not you want to stay.
If you’re feeling strong emotions, allow yourself to experience them. Sob, rage, hit pillows, laugh hysterically. Moving your emotions and experiencing your feelings will bring so much clarity without you needing to think about it. You’ve realized something today. Either:
1. You don’t want this partnership
or
2. You want this partnership
Both of those are absolutely terrifying in their own right. Both are going to require a lot of work and a lot of grieving from you. But your power comes from the knowledge that you get to choose your difficult road. And once you choose it, own it. I will be posting blogs in the future for how to support you on either path.
Three Principles for Making the Choice
So, when grappling with the daunting question of whether to stay or walk away from a relationship, here are three fundamental rules that I encourage my clients to use:
No decisions on a bad day: Don't rush the decision-making process, especially when emotions are running high. Wait for when you feel clarity and calmness before making any major choices.
Stick to the facts: Emotions are incredible allies to us, pointing us to unmet needs or unexpressed desires. They also can cloud our judgment, leading us to make decisions based on the feelings of the moment rather than the history we have with a person.
Be self-responsible: Whether you choose to stay and work things out or decide to leave, own your decision completely. If you commit to staying, give it your all for 3-6 months. If you opt to leave, recognize your right to make that choice and embrace it with confidence.
Wherever you land, know that you can make this decision with clarity, self-assurance, and empowerment.