The Perfect Formula for Feeling Powerful in Dating
When I talk to women about love, it’s pretty common to hear a lot of fear and powerlessness around dating. It can feel like this delicate balancing act, where one misstep could send everything toppling over, especially early on.
It’s easy to become fixated on what that person you want is thinking or feeling—so much so that you might lose sight of what you’re truly after. I’d argue that dating isn’t really about the person themselves in the early stages, but about how we feel about ourselves around them.
This is why women lose their power so quickly in dating—because how you feel about yourself begins to be dictated really fast by the person in front of you. But what if the real secret to really enjoying dating is by taking some amount (let’s say, 20%) of the focus off of the people we’re seeing and onto ourselves?
If you find yourself trapped by questions like, “How can I make them see my worth?” or “What if I’m too much for them?” then I have good news. There’s a playful, pleasurable formula that shifts the dynamic back in your favor. It goes like this:
Know yourself
Choose yourself
Assert yourself.
In this post, I’ll break down each component of this empowerment formula, with practical examples to help you feel more in control and confident when you roll out for that date.
First: Know Yourself
Isn't dating supposed to be this thrilling adventure where you discover not only your potential future partner, but also yourself? Yet, so often, women complain that it feels like they’re auditioning for a role they’re not even sure they want to play.
They twist themselves into what they think their date wants, losing a piece of themselves every time they say, ‘Ohhh… whatever you’d like. I’m down.”
The real magic in dating comes from knowing exactly what makes you tick, right from the start.
Why Knowing Yourself is So Important:
Before you can find someone who truly complements (not completes) you, you need to know what lights you up, down to the smallest detail. It’s not about the long-term goals like marriage or kids yet—it’s about what makes you happy, content, lit-up, already. What are your non-negotiables, your passions, your deal-breakers? Without a clear picture of these, I promise you’re likely to let someone else dictate the pace, direction and outcome of dating, leading to inevitable disappointment and resentment for you.
We start with the small details, because like in most things, if you jump into the deep end (what’s your 10-year plan for love? Decide now!) I bet you won’t be clear on the details. But if you start with the little things, you will become more and more attuned to what you want, which men secretly want to give you.
Where to Start: Dive Deep into the Little Details
1. Preferences: Start simple.
Food: What’s your favorite type of food? Does the thought of sushi get your heart racing, or are you more of a pasta girl? If you landed on the chocolate aisle at the grocery store, what’s your favorite brand? Flavor combos? Second favorite?
Movement: Do you like to walk? Or do yoga? Or ultra-marathon? Or dance? How often? Does it depend on where you’re at in your cycle?
Leisure: If you had an entire day to yourself, how would you spend it? If you were full of energy? If you were sick in bed? If you were with girlfriends? If you were with a lover?
Money: What do you like to spend money on? If money were no object, how would you structure your life? Do you want a more high-powered job to stretch yourself? Do you want a more peaceful job because you’re burned out?
2. Envision your ideal date:
Visualize your perfect date. Is it an action-packed day with mini-golf and street food, or a relaxed evening at a jazz lounge? What does the sequence of the date look like, from the first greeting to when you say goodbye? Maybe you'd love a playful arcade date followed by ice cream by the waterfront. Maybe you want to sit on your front porch and talk about your childhoods. Get very granular here: feel free to daydream and write it all down.
3. Reflect on Past Dates:
Really think about your dating history. What were your favorite dates? What aspects made them your favorite? What were your nightmare dates? What did you hate? Understanding these patterns will help you to identify very quickly the types of dates (or people) that drain you so you can choose ones that energize and excite you.
5. Keep a dating journal:
Keep a dating journal. After each date, jot down what you enjoyed and what you didn’t, along with any green, yellow or red flags that stood out to you. This habit will help you fine-tune your choices very quickly and know your preferences.
By taking the time to really dig into what makes you tick, you’re not just preparing to meet someone great; you're setting the stage for men to please you on dates. I know some women whose idea of a horrific first date is going on a hike, some hate the thought of a formal dinner. Guess what? Men don’t know which one you are. You have to help them win. Same with the structure of a date. Hate Netflix/chill? It’s good to know this. I’ll teach you how to communicate and advocate for what you want in Step 3.
For now, this knowledge empowers you to notice which choices are true for you, and which ones are to control the outcome (eg: please the man).
Next: Choose Yourself
Isn't it a breath of fresh air when you begin to realize that dating isn't about impressing someone else, but about enjoying what makes you feel alive and vibrant? So often, we get caught in the whirlwind of trying to be the perfect match that we forget to ask if the person sitting across from us is right for us. Now that you’ve flipped the script, you get to act on it for yourself.
When you choose yourself, you prioritize your well-being and happiness in the dating process. This means making decisions that align with your values, desires, and long-term goals, not just going along with someone else’s script. It’s about ensuring that the dating journey—and any potential relationship—is additive to your life, not a compromise of who you are.
Where to Start: Make a Plan to Honor Yourself
Set Clear Dating Boundaries with Yourself: Decide what you are and aren't willing to tolerate in a date. What’s your bedtime? 10PM? Put your phone on Do Not Disturb and refuse to respond to late night booty calls. Don’t want a kiss at the end of a first date? You have every right to lean in for the hug. I’ve done this many times. Guys respect you more for it.
Honor Your Time: Value your time as your most precious resource. If you feel that a date isn't going in the direction you'd hoped, it’s okay to politely end it early. In fact, for first dates, be intentional about picking something that is naturally shorter and can be extended. A coffee shop date is perfect for this. Invest your time in dates that feel promising and fulfilling, be kind but firm about dates that you don’t have a strong ‘yes’ to.
Stay True to Your Interests: If a guy asks for your input on a date, give him your input. Suggest things that you really do enjoy. If you love the outdoors, say, “I’d love to go on a picnic at the botanical gardens. Then maybe we can get ice cream for dessert.” Dating should be a playground for discovering your desires, not a performance.
Self-Care: Maintain your self-care routines even when dating gets intense. Whether it's yoga, time with friends, your busy career or just a quiet evening with a book, keeping these routines with yourself ensures you remain centered and happy, regardless of your dating life. Added bonus: not being available at the drop of a hat is magnetic.
By choosing yourself first, you set a powerful standard for your dates. You attract men who respect and admire your strength and independence, and you pave the way for relationships that are not just about romantic connection, but also about mutual respect and personal growth.
Finally: Assert Yourself
Have you ever felt like you're playing a supporting role in your own dating life? Constantly bending your own rules to accommodate someone else’s idea of a relationship? It’s time to grab the script and rewrite it with you as the lead. Asserting yourself in dating isn’t about making demands or ultimatums; it’s about communicating your needs clearly, playfully and respectfully, ensuring that who you are, what you want, and how you’re going to operate is respected.
Where to Start: Speak Up, Always
Speak Up About Behavior You’re Not Ok With: If something doesn’t feel right, say it. Sometimes it’s clear: disrespect, ogling other women in front of you, ogling you rather than listening. Sometimes it’s less clear: maybe you thought you were open for a kiss, but then you realized you aren’t. When you do speak up, I like to follow the real of kind, firm and playful. With the kissing example: “Hey, you’re really attractive. I wanted to kiss you earlier tonight, but now I’m noticing it’s feeling too fast for me. Let’s slow down?”
Ask For What You Need: Whether it’s emotional availability, more communication, or specific actions that make you feel cared for, articulate these needs clearly, early and often. Again, firm and playful. Men like to make you happy, and they respond well to boundaries with playfulness.
Give Yourself Permission to Move On: If your boundaries are repeatedly crossed, or if you find that your needs are too different from each other’s, give yourself the permission to step away. Dating should be about finding your person, in a pleasurable way. If not this, then something better.
By asserting yourself, you not only protect your emotional and physical health, but you are also setting the stage for a future partnership that is based on respect and aligned needs. This isn’t just about finding someone who 'puts up' with your boundaries; it’s about attracting someone who will celebrate and respect them.
