Unlock Your Power: 9 Reasons to Embrace Your Dark Feminine
I see you. You’re an empathetic woman with a lot of love to give, but who can never seem to get it reflected back to you. You long to feel desirable and you want to stop feeling that weight of anxiety in your chest – for good.
You, my friend, are in the right place.
Before I discovered what I lovingly call ‘the dark feminine’, I struggled with anxious attachment, low self-esteem, and a constant feeling of anxiety after my divorce from a really bad marriage. I felt like I was constantly on-edge, always trying to fit the mold of what a desirable woman would be, to please everyone around me, drowning in the process. I felt powerless. If you were to ask me about what made me… me – I wouldn’t have known what to tell you.
When I realized how many other woman were also struggling with this crushing silence, this ‘not-enoughness’, this loss of themselves, I knew I had to find a way to help myself – and them.
Now, years down the line, instead of feeling agonizing anxiety and panic, I feel empowered, I adore and know myself, and a have a delicious, passionate partnership with the man I love. How did I do it? Through discovering and trusting in my dark feminine.
If you want to build your self-confidence and magnetize love, embracing your dark feminine will help you, too.
Here are 9 reasons why you need to embrace the dark feminine to heal your anxiety – for good.
Reason #1: You'll Reclaim Parts of Yourself that You've Lost
It’s easy to get distracted by everything life throws at us, isn’t it? But it doesn’t have to derail you, not with embracing your dark feminine.
When you know how to reclaim your whole self, you’ll rediscover the parts of you that have been buried under fake expectations and limits that you’ve created for yourself (the ‘darker’ parts). This integration gives you the key to become more authentic and powerful.
What will happen when you start reclaiming the lost parts of yourself? You’ll feel whole and at peace. You’ll stop feeling fragmented and start feeling like a complete, powerful woman (instead of waiting on a man to complete you). And no, embracing the parts that your dark feminine reveals to you doesn’t make you selfish or evil. It allows you to show up in the world as the truest version of yourself, and that will allow you to have so much more acceptance and compassion for the truest version of others.
For example:
Maybe you’re a woman who has always been told to be “nice” and “quiet” because that’s what’s expected. You suppress your anger and assertiveness, because you’ve been taught that a loveable woman doesn’t get angry. By embracing your dark feminine, you begin to learn to express your anger and assert your boundaries.
I guarantee you that this transformation doesn’t make you less kind; it makes you more honest and self-assured. You’re no longer a doormat; you’re a powerful, self-respecting woman who brings positive change to your life and to the lives of those around you. You are taking a stand for women everywhere.
Reason #2: You'll Begin to Tap into Your Intuition
If you want to get somewhere, you need to know where you’re going. If you run anxious, it’s likely that 99% of the decisions that impact your life are being made by someone other than you.
I want to help you put a stop to that.
Once you start tapping into your intuition, you can figure out a plan, lose the sense of powerlessness, and start gaining momentum toward what you came to this planet to do.
Back in the early days of my journey towards trusting my intuition, I was constantly second-guessing myself and relying on others (eg: the church) to make decisions for me. I had this constant sense of being lost, straddling a fence, unsure of my path. I was doing all the ‘right’ things, but everything felt so wrong, all the time.
Embracing my dark feminine and learning to trust my intuition changed everything for me. It was like turning on a light in a dark room – suddenly, I could see where I needed to go. And the people who told me I was going the wrong direction? They’ve since come to me and told me they can now see the wisdom in what I was choosing.
By tapping into your intuition, you’ll start to trust yourself more and rely less on other people to guide the way for you. This inner guidance will help you navigate life with this deep confidence that external validation will never provide you. You’ll make decisions that align with your own inner compass, and you’ll feel more grounded and secure in your choices. (Bonus points: this is magnetic behavior in love).
For example:
Imagine you’re faced with a major life decision, like ending a toxic relationship. Before embracing your dark feminine, you might have felt paralyzed by fear and uncertainty, looking for advice from everyone around you, but still frozen about making the decision. But with your intuition as your guide, you’ll feel a deep inner knowing about what’s true, no matter the immediate consequences. You’ll trust your gut feelings and make your choices with confidence.
Are you afraid this will make you reckless? It won’t. It will make you self-assured and decisive. The antidote to anxiety. You know deep down that everyone will ultimately be ok – that you have the power to keep yourself safe.
Reason #3: You'll Become Deeper and More Soulful
Society often tells us the color wheel of emotions we are allowed to feel, but the dark feminine thrives in deep, dark emotional waters. Allowing yourself to feel deeply and express the full spectrum of your emotions will transform you into a woman who is deep, expressed, soulful – don’t we all feel magnetically drawn to people like this?
Embracing your dark feminine will give you the power to connect with all the emotions you’ve probably blocked off for years: fear, anger, grief, despair. The best performers that make us feel most deeply alive are those who have full access to their ‘dark’ emotions (think of one of the most powerful singers you’ve ever heard – what emotions do they express when they sing? I’ll be you there’s one that you don’t feel safe feeling or expressing)
For example, my friend A is a natural at embodying her dark feminine, and feeling desirable and wanted is decidedly not her issue. She screws up her face and stomps her feet when she’s frustrated. When she’s mad, her whole face flushes and her eyes are fiery. When she’s sad, she sobs, full-out. And her capacity for feeling child-like joy, wonder, rapture and peace is just as big. Her emotional range has made her dating life a never-ending line of men who find her intoxicating.
She is also faithful, honest, hard-working and full of integrity. You can have passion and honor too. Your dark feminine will show you how (through your intuition, as we covered before).
If you’re unsure where to start, begin by setting aside time each day for a favorite practice that I call ‘emotional tuning.’ Set a timer for 10 minutes, and ask yourself, “What am I feeling?” Give yourself a moment, then ask “What am I feeling beneath that?” Follow your intuition. Keep going deeper until you touch the base of what you’re feeling. Pull up a Spotify playlist for that emotion (Rage, grief, fear) and allow yourself to express. Journal afterwards if you like.
Note: Emotional tuning is one of many practices I teach in Healing Anxious Attachment through Pleasure that will help you tap into your dark feminine.
Reason #4: You'll Start Telling the Truth
Remember what you were expected to think and believe ten years ago?
How were you expected to act to attract a man?
To start a family?
To make friends?
To please a higher power? Bet you it’s all different now.
With the expectations on women constantly shifting, it can be confusing to know how to express yourself… that is, if you’re still performing based on those expectations. When you embrace your dark feminine, that all goes out the window. You will have a roadmap for speaking your truth boldly, in a way that will inspire other women to do the same, and men to have 10x respect for you.
When you master the art of unfiltered truth-telling, you’ll prioritize your own needs and desires, stop worrying about pleasing others, and teach the people around you to just tell the damn truth. This authenticity is magnetic and empowering.
For example, when I’m at work, I’m direct but respectful with every person I work with. If my boss interrupts me, I have said, often, “Hi, I’m still talking. I’d like to hear what you have to say when I’m done.”
If I’m feeling upset and my partner asks me why, I’ll tell him exactly what I’m afraid of, mad about, grieving – even if I feel weak doing it. It always goes well and builds a stronger bond between us.
When you tell the truth, you’ll find that the people around you respect you more and desire time with you more. People are drawn to authenticity, because so many people are too afraid to tell the truth themselves. As an added bonus, you’ll attract more and more people who adore and respect the real you, not the you that you pretend to be.
Then, regardless of what changes around you, you can make an impact. You’ll no longer be swayed by external opinions. Instead, you’ll be the trend-setter, the heroine, the woman brave enough to say what everyone is thinking, but can’t bring themselves to articulate.
Reason #5: You'll Break Free from People-Pleasing
Do you suffer from the need to constantly please others? You’re not alone - everyone on the planet does at times, so don’t feel bad about it. Instead, take action.
The fastest way to overcome this is to – you guessed it – embrace your dark feminine. She will show you how to let go of the need for external validation, which is based on the changing whims of people around you. Every people-pleaser I know is secretly really bitter and resentful. That’s because they’re trying to shoot at a moving target - just when they feel like they’ve succeeded in contorting themselves to fit another person, the other person changes.
When you stop molding yourself to fit others’ real or imagined expectations, you start living for what’s actually true. This shift in mindset allows you to focus on what you actually care about and who you actually are. This is where real friendship, real family, real romance and real impact start to happen. Think of the loss to the world if Jane Goodall didn’t pursue her passion for wildlife or Lady Gaga gave up on her dream of becoming a singer.
A lack of confidence often stems from trying to fit into a mold that doesn’t suit you. You’ll find that love will feel more effortless and all of your other relationships will feel more real because you’re showing up honestly, maybe for the first time.
For example:
Are you always the one to say “yes” to every demand at work, with your kids, or in bed, even when it drains you? By embracing your dark feminine, you’ll learn to easily say “no” without guilt, without heat, without bite, because you recognize that your time and energy are valuable, and if you give them when you don’t want to, the gift will turn to poison for that relationship.
Reason #6: You'll Cultivate Your Sensuality and Pleasure
We’re in this life to experience joy and aliveness, and we all need, and deserve, to feel deeply nourished and turned-on. Every woman needs to connect with their sensuality and pleasure if they want to continue feeling vibrant and effective.
So, when you use the power of your dark feminine to embrace your sensuality, you’ll learn how to feel pleasure in the smallest of ways, in the most obscure moments. Whether you’re dancing, making love, or drinking your coffee very, very slowly, allowing yourself to experience pleasure is the direct route to becoming more radiant.
For example:
Imagine dedicating time each week to allow your intuition to guide you in spending time on something that brings you pleasure. Maybe it’s dancing around your living room in your PJs, going to bed early to read a book, or getting out all your toys for a pleasure session. These moments of sensuality aren’t just indulgences; they are essential to nurture your soul and remind you of your inherent worth and dignity.
When you tap in to your pleasure, you’ll find that absolutely everything in your life improves. Your dark feminine will guide you to these moments of bliss by taking you deeper.
If you’re unsure where to start, begin by asking yourself which activities make you feel truly alive. Make a list and commit to incorporating at least one into your week, every week. For me, it’s singing, dancing, yoga or martial arts. I schedule it like it’s sacrosanct.
Notice how your energy and outlook shift as you allow yourself to embrace pleasure fully.
Note: Cultivating 5-sense sensuality and pleasure is one of many practices I teach in Healing Anxious Attachment through Pleasure that will help you tap into your dark feminine.
Reason #7: You'll Set Boundaries Like a Boss
Time is a limited resource that we all wish we had more of. We can’t create more time, but what we can do is "find" more by becoming a boundary ninja.
Embracing your dark feminine means learning what your boundaries are and how to protect them. When you uncover the parts of yourself that you’ve neglected for so long, and the emotions you’ve been afraid to feel, you will discover how dramatically your boundaries have been bypassed – sometimes for your whole lifetime.
When you learn your own boundaries and how to establish them, you’ll find that your "time savings bank" is full again, freeing up so much energy to do more of the things you’ve been wanting to - like taking that vacation with your husband or starting that business.
For example:
The boundary that my grief and anger showed me is that, as an empath and a coach, I’ve gone way too far into ‘rescuing’ people from their own decisions, time and time again. It cost me sleep, time, tons of stress and, especially when the person didn’t really want to be rescued, my sanity.
I’ve been able to reclaim so much energy that I now channel towards my children, my partner, my career, my close friendships and my passions. I don’t regret it.
Reason #8: You'll Own Your Power
When you embrace your dark feminine, you’ll understand where you’re leaking energy and start plugging those emotional and energetic holes. This will free up a lot of energy to put towards being powerful in the world.
Do you really need to tone yourself down or suppress your passion to make other people comfortable, or can you own your power unapologetically? If I could rent a giant billboard in Times Square to shout what I wish I was told as a girl, it would say: “An alive and powerful woman is an asset to the happiness of others, not a threat.” This doesn’t even mean the modern standard of being bold in the board room, or allowing yourself to sing in front of a crowd.
Owning your power is sort-of like finding hidden reserves of strength and confidence that you deny in yourself; it’s empowering and transformative.
For example:
A woman I coached felt so deeply wrong for being quiet and observant. She was sold this belief that if you are a truly powerful woman, you would be speaking truth to power, or expressing yourself in a big way. She was afraid of the power of her innate sage-like presence and intuition. We explored together how this limited view of an empowered woman was keeping her small. By embracing her dark feminine and uncovering these rejected parts of herself, she realized that her deep-water, empathic power was being squandered.
Related Post: Spring Practices to Increase Your Radiance and Magnetism
Embracing your dark feminine will help you own your power without fear that other women will be jealous or judge you. One of my teachers taught that jealousy is just a painful reminder of some way that you’re not fully claiming yourself.
If a woman is really beautiful, and you feel jealous, it’s a reminder to tend to owning your beauty. There will always be a more beautiful, more intelligent, more magnetic, more fill-in-the-blank woman in the world - it’s a battle you will always lose to either play small or try to outperform other women. Everyone loses.
You’ll understand that jealousy is simply an indicator that someone longs to embody what you’re embodying. By owning your power, you’ll become an inspiration and a powerful force in your own life and the lives of others. And if you’re doing it from a loving place (which you will be doing, if you’ve been spending time with the dark feminine), that will be felt by the people around you. Truly, deeply self-accepting women don’t go after other women’s spouses or try to outshine another woman at work. She longs to be the tide that lifts all boats: to show other women their own radiance and power.
Reason #9: You'll Build a Sisterhood of Support
Take an inventory of your female friendships. First… do you have any? If not, that’s probably a sign that you need some support from your dark feminine. If you do have them, what’s the flavor of your conversations? Gossip, venting about the unfairness of life, comparing notes on how bad men are? That’s going to drain your radiance and impact dry. Here’s a better way.
My approach to embracing your dark feminine helps you to build a strong foundation of power and agency in yourself. The more you do this, the more you will naturally attract friendships with women who are doing the same. This is where the magic happens: instead of friendships based around your victimization you will have friendships based around your agency, love for others and passions.
When we reject the parts of ourselves that we’re ashamed of or feel victimized and powerless, our relationships with other women become fractured. Each of the previous reasons in this post builds up to this one: by reclaiming lost parts of yourself, tapping into your intuition, embracing your emotional depth, speaking your truth, breaking free from people-pleasing, cultivating your sensuality, setting fierce boundaries, and owning your power, you lay the foundation for deep and true sisterhood.
Here’s how it works:
Step #1: Do All of the Dark Feminine Practices
By tapping into your dark feminine, you start to understand and accept all parts of yourself. This authenticity naturally attracts like-minded women who resonate with your true self.
Step #2: Share For Real
Open up about your experiences, struggles, and triumphs. Sharing your deep fears and longings with other women encourages them to do the same.
Step #3: Create Safe Spaces
If you’ve been in the habit of subtly power-playing other women to help yourself feel a little more powerful, it’s got to stop. Check yourself at the door and notice whether you’re coming from a place of fear or a place of curiosity when you spend time with the women in your life.
Step #4: Offer and Seek Support
Actively offer your support and be open to receiving it. Notice how mutual it feels - if you’re an empath, you’re likely to oversupport. Notice your boundaries here and ask for help often.
Step #5: Brag on Yourself and Brag On Each Other
When you’re going out with other women, wear a bracelet on your wrist and make a plan that as soon as you start complaining or focusing on your victimhood together, you will switch it to the other wrist. Notice how hard it is to connect around your successes, your strengths, the goodness of others, gratitude. Make it a habit to brag on yourself and brag on each other.
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There you have it, 9 reasons you need to embrace your dark feminine. When we invest in her, delicious and powerful results are inevitable.
If you’re ready to heal your anxiety and build true, lasting self-confidence, check out Healing Anxious Attachment through Pleasure. I've truly endeavored to give you everything I needed when I was healing anxious attachment and religious trauma. Through these tools and techniques, I've created a magnificent love life with my partner. I want to give you that same effortless power 🔥
It includes dozens of strategies to help you tap into the six different Queens or Sovereigns that live inside of you, including the dark feminine. From reclaiming lost parts of yourself, rediscovering your pleasure and tapping into your power, this ebook will guide you to become magnetic, radiant and powerful in dating or in your long-term relationship.
